Don't Call Me Julius
by Kakawot
Summary: Commander Root is tired of Foaly calling him by his first name, so he sets out to find out Foaly's real name. Oneshot, -OLD-


_Authors note_: One shot, set after Eternity Code (contains one spoiler). Popped in my head at 11 PM as usual, but took very long to edit, because I'm lazy. I'm not entirely sure about the rating, but since there are no swear words I'll stick with G. 

English is not my motherlanguage, so please inform me of any spelling mistakes that bother you.

"..." Speech

_Thinking_

* * *

**Don't call me Julius**

Commander Julius Root stomped out of the Ops. Booth followed by the laughter of the techie of the LEP. He sat down in his huge chair and almost lit a cigar, but realised it in time, and extinguished it in his ashtray. He really should get rid of the lingering cigars, or he would get a heart attack. Again. After he was healed from his last heart attack, his doctors had advised him not to smoke again. Like he could keep that up.

Kelp Trouble had won the bet on the maximal time of the heart attack, which was one year. When Root realised that they had placed bets, they had been in for a lot of yelling.

But what really mattered now was that Foaly had called him Julius again, and Root's head had almost exploded. He might have got a new heart, he hadn't got a new head. So his face was as red / purple-ish as ever. And he made the same mistake he made before in the Ops Booth. He slammed the plasma screen. You would expect that that pony-boy could make it less hot, but no, that d'arvit donkey just had to get upset about his tin-foil hat that he lost!

But how could he make Foaly call him Root, instead of that annoying Julius? Root wondered… Was Foaly even his real name? Or did he have such an embarrassing name that he just called himself 'Foaly'? That would be the perfect blackmail…

However, first he'd have to finish the growing pack of paperwork on his desk…

**Four days and a lot of paperwork later**

Root sighed, as he finally was able to lean back in his huge chair and oversee his clean desk, totally rid of all paperwork. Now it was time for some investigation on the history of Foaly. The LEP kept all their files in a huge library, so that's where Root went first.

Unfortunately for him, the library was closed, because the librarians were off for a trip. Softly cursing the lazy librarians, he turned around, only to almost bump into the only female LEPrecon officer. Yes, Holly Short has arrived on the scene.

"Commander? What are you doing here?"

Root quickly straightened himself out and searched for a possible explanation for why he was here. But, considering he never came here, he failed miserably.

"I – I…"

Holly raised her eyebrows, making the look Chix Verbil feared the most. The 'I'm not impressed' look, combined with the 'what the d'arvit do you want' look. The One Look, which had been thrown at many, many officers of the LEPrecon. The One Look became a myth on itself. There was even a book written about it, called The One Look. It was a trilogy.

Many elves tried to copy The One Look, but only captain Holly Short of the LEP, Advisor on the case Artemis Fowl, Female Test-Case of the LEP, could throw The One Look.

But back to Root.

Squirming uncomfortably under The One Look, he managed to stutter:

"I-I was looking for Foaly's file."

Holly nodded understandingly.

"I also tried, sir, but came out empty-handed. Foaly hides his privacy very well. But you would be able to expect that from a paranoid centaur."

Meanwhile Root had managed to gain his appearance of a commander again, and started thinking like the military elf he was.

"There has to be a file created on him… But pony-boy managed to get his hairy hands on it, and he hid it, because in there is his real name, I think."

Holly nodded in confirmation.

"I tried to look up his real name too, because he caught me on tape while I was…"

Realising she almost spilled out her secret, the tops of her pointy ears burned a bright red.

Root coughed once, and Holly got over her embarrassing memory.

"Looks like we'll have to hack in his computer to get this information."

Holly gave him The One Look again.

"Hack in Foaly's computer? I don't think that's possible, sir."

"And what about the Diggums-case then? He has been in and out the prison for 300 years, and I was there every single time. Yet he has now been found innocent. That sounds a lot like the work of Artemis Fowl and his C-cube. And, what do you know, before Foaly was able to snatch that ingenious little piece of technology away, I was able to claim it. And now I have access to his highly secured network, but only if Foaly is not paying attention to his computer."

Holly's eyebrows nearly disappeared under her hazelnut hair.

"You have kept the c-cube, after Foaly wanted to destroy it because it was too dangerous?"

Root shrugged, and led the way to his office.

"I just wanted to see how Artemis Fowl was able to create that cube, without that arrogant centaur around to make comments on everything. So that's why I kept it."

Holly followed Root into the office, and sat on the opposite chair of Root. The cube glowed in the fake daylight, and Holly silently admired the wonder of technology that was in front of her. Until a question popped in her head.

"Sir, how did you crack the Eternal Code?"

Root smirked.

" You tell a pony-boy how amazingly stupid he is for not cracking the code yet, in within two weeks it is cracked. But I almost forgot. Someone needs to distract Foaly."

"And I guess I am the one who will distract him?" Holly asked quietly.

"Yes, you are perfect for that job. Now go figure something out, and tell me over the intercom when you're going to do… whatever you're going to do."

Holly left the office to complete her unusual task. Ah, the joys of being an officer… And a friend of Foaly, of course.

**Ops Booth**

Foaly leaned back in his chair, and picked his teeth with a toothpick, that he afterwards threw in the garbage machine. He put his hooves on the desk and put his hands behind his back. Not a very good position, I might add. Very unbalanced.

So when Holly started banging on the metal doors of the booth, Foaly fell off his centaur chair and crashed on the plasma tiles. Cursing in several languages he climbed on his four legs again and pushed the button that opened the doors.

Holly was just starting to kick the door, and she drew back for a good ol' kick, when the doors slid open. So she kicked Foaly instead.

Again cursing in several languages, he tried to grab his knee, wobbled a bit and fell over. You really got to pity him. Normally Foaly only had such pain when he provokes Root. And now his best friend pains him! Poor centaur…

Holly softly apologised and healed the still cursing centaur. Foaly scrambled up with as much dignity he could muster, and placed his centaur behind on his oversized chair.

"And what exactly makes you bang on my door? Did Artemis get his memory back?" The centaur joked.

"No, not really. I just needed to get away from Chix Verbil's flirting." Holly lied.

"And I also came here to inform you that my Neutrino malfunctioned and almost blew up in my face. So if you could please take a look at it…"

Unbeknown to Foaly, the screen behind his back flickered to life and digits started scrolling over it so quickly it was just a blur.

"Sure Hols, I wouldn't want that pretty face of you get mutilated by a Neutrino blowing up in your face."

"Thanks Foaly, I'll remember that when I take on the next troll."

Foaly smirked.

Holly was out of ideas to keep Foaly busy. If he turned around now, all would be lost. She had to keep acting for at least three more minutes, or they'd never be able to make fun of Foaly's real name.

Thankfully for Holly, she was known for her quick thinking. Yet that thinking wasn't always good thinking.

"So… Er… Foaly… Do you want to go on a date with me?"

Not good thinking, really…

Foaly's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. His usual sarcastic tongue seemed to be sewed to his palate. And it was quiet in the Ops Booth for two long minutes, in which Holly punished herself mentally over and over.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could you? That was one of the worst quick-thinking actions you've ever did, you goblin! And that is including the Hamburger-incident! _

Finally the tension broke, and Foaly started to chuckle softly.

He… chuckled…

And that chuckle soon turned into a full-out laughter. Holly smiled too, but she didn't exactly mean it.

_Where is that donkey laughing about?_

Finally after five minutes of ground stamping, roaring laughter, Foaly wiped the tears out of his eyes and calmed down enough to explain why he had laughed so much.

"That was the best joke I've heard in years. Hehehe… Holly Short on a date…"

Holly quickly looked at the screen behind the centaur's back. It was empty. Time to pack up.

"Yeah, well, had to cheer you up before you'd get revenge for me kicking you. But now I got to avoid Chix and get back to my paperwork."

Foaly waved goodbye to her and once again turned to his computer screen.

Holly walked out of the Ops Booth and immediately went to Root's office.

"Sir? Have you been able to hack into Foaly's network?"

Root sat back in his huge chair and chewed on his cigar.

"Of course, captain. Of course."

Holly smirked at all the torture Foaly will receive from them.

"And? What is Foaly's real name?"

Root turned the screen of the C-cube to the captain.

"See for yourself."

Holly's eyes scanned the file, and she burst out laughing.

Root also smirked.

"I wonder how he got that name."

Holly's eyes had a strange glint to them. Something that looked like pure mischief. You don't find that very often in a captain's eyes.

"When shall we put our 'plan' in action?"

"Tomorrow, captain. Tomorrow…"

**The next day**

Holly knocked on the doors of Ops Booth. Foaly opened them, but made sure he was out of kicking range.

"Good morning, captain. May I inform what brings you here?"

Holly smirked.

"Yes, you may, Julia…"

The centaur's scream could be heard throughout the whole building.

Root smirked and lit a cigar.

"Don't call me Julius, Foaly, don't call me Julius…"

* * *

My thanks go to Saku for beta-reading, and Eoin Colfer for creating the wonderful Artemis Fowl books.

And of course, thank you for reading.


End file.
